Well, shoot. I’m not much of a people person. There was a time that I was, but I think deep down, I really wasn’t then either. It’s not that I don’t want to be around people, or that I think I am better than anyone else. I’m not. I don’t even care. But I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t judge others. That’s human nature and a different topic. Maybe I’ll explore that one another time. I digress.
People are important to me. Those close to me know that I am loyal as hell; to a fault actually. I’ve burned myself more times than I like to recall because of it. But, it’s who I am, and I don’t give my loyalty out as easily these days; kinda have to be around people to do that. I suppose I ought give that loyalty to myself. Might help a number of issues?
Why am I talking about this? That’s a good question, thanks for asking. Years past, I had many acquaintances, some friends. Not so much these days; kinda have to be around people to do that. But, I was fortunate enough to share a meal with one of those from years back. It was nice. Good to catch up and kinda fun, but weird to reminisce. I forgot a lot about my self. I don’t think repressed it, just forgot. I was someone once. Someone who had fun, an office full of people I worked with, and cared about things other than my immediate sphere of existence. What changed I wonder? Well, I don’t wonder, I’m pretty sure I know, and I know I made those choices. Yet, I sit here wondering if those things were important to me then, or if it’s even important to me now. I’m not a sociopath. I’m a big ass teddy bear and somewhat of a pushover. Nevertheless, I enjoyed leaving the comfort of me for a moment and have lunch with an old friend.
For some reason, in almost everything I do, I gravitate toward the leadership position; especially when in groups. Not because I want things done my way; more because I think tasks prosper with good direction while working in groups. Projects need leadership and people need space to do what they’re best at. I’m NOT best at everything that needs doing. But, I am a good problem solver. At least I think I am. Also, I’ve learned that I have a ton of room to improve when part of a team of others. (I am working very hard to change this; I know things are way better when teamwork is successful.) The fundamental problem is that I don’t trust most people which leads me to not like being around people. Too many times people have proven me right. Now that is a mouthful; it needs inspection.
Do I not trust people because I have a set inner belief that people can’t be trusted, so I automatically go that direction, undeservedly to those I meet? Yah, that’s probably part of it. Is it my own insecurity? Yah, probably. Is it cowardice? Maybe, but that has many levels to dissect as well, and I am not ready to type the pages around that one. I don’t do casual very well. If something is worth it, it’s all in for me. (My reality check is still in the mail.) To be clear, I wasn’t always the most trustworthy person in the past, and probably was that person I am bitching about now. Back then, it was easy for me to say “yah, I’ll go do that” and never show up. Nowadays, if I say I’ll be there, I will be, and ten minutes early to boot. However, this has made me largely noncommittal to most things if I don’t outright say no. I already have a ton of shit going on that’s important to me and I am super protective of my time. Pretty fucking selfish, I know.
What I do know is that people are important. People are important for people. I sometimes crave for more people to be in my sphere. But, I want to be around people that I trust. Trust is a different animal. In my head, I don’t know that anyone can be wholly trusted (outside of my sphere). Yet, I expect others to wholly trust me, because I am trustworthy. That’s a huge contradiction if I’ve ever said one. I can be trusted, but nobody else can? I think not. There have got to be others out there that are trustworthy. So, why is it that I constantly find reasons to distrust? I mean shit, am I really that fucking nit-picky?
Yup. Me thinks, yes. This is a me problem, no doubt.
Depeche mode has already unwrapped most of this:
I can’t understandWhat makes a manHate another manHelp me understand
People are people, so why should it beYou and I should get along so awfully?
Thank goodness for music. I don’t know where I’d be.
Next up, how AI is going to be really, really great. And then fuck us all. Not a me problem.